Copyright © 2000 Robert Kenneth Hay
Theses on Columbia
May 1, 2000
- This is a story about Columbia.
- Columbia takes place in a city, but you couldn't fit it all in one
- Columbia has bricks and tiles and trees and phones and teaching
- Columbia has several thousand people, many of whom have torsos.
- Some of these are bigger than others.
- There's a lot of shouting at Columbia.
- There's a lot of coffee at Columbia.
- There's whiskey at Columbia, but not enough to maintain a wellbalanced
- There are men and women at Columbia, usually.
- Everyone comes to Columbia with a sense of intellectual passion or an
eagerness to experience the best four years of their lives but they
get used to it.
- There are old people and young people at Columbia, but when one speaks
of Columbia one speaks only of young people.
- Everything at Columbia is clumpy.
- Columbia is very welltrained in firesafety and elevatoretiquette.
- Columbia has more than four thousand genitals between its legs.
- Some people say that when it's sunny Columbia takes off its shirt and
shows its clumpy bits to the grass and tries to copulate.
- But don't listen to them.
- It's just a rumour.
- Columbia would love to come out for a drink but it has a lot of work
due Monday but you should give it a call next Thursday.
- Columbia likes to drink on Thursday except when it likes to do math or
speak in tongues.
- When Columbia sins, it sins in the following order: Sloth, Pride,
Envy, Greed, Gluttony, Anger, Lust.
- There are people at Columbia who spend all their time trying to deduce
the necessary and sufficient conditions for the existence or
nonexistence of certain metaphysical concepts and there are people who
like to watch porn.
- These two lists overlap.
- See if you can guess where.
- Columbia is fond of the comma.
- Columbia still likes to watch Shakespeare.
- Columbia knows what words mean.
- Columbia tells you about Rosalind Krauss's theory of photography and
the indexical signifier.
- Columbia tells you there is no wholly objective truth.
- Columbia tells you sexual harassment is wrong.
- Columbia tells you eskimos have 200 words for snow but it won't tell
you what they are.
- There are seven people named Sven at Columbia, but that will change.
- Columbia has a lot of condoms.
- Just in case.
- Columbia doesn't like to walk to & from 105th St at three am but
sometimes it has to.
- If you stacked all of Columbia end to end, you'd be in trouble.
- Columbia has the digital network in the palm of its hands.
- Columbia doesn't want to talk about it.
- Barnard is not the same thing as Columbia.
- Columbia can be a college or a university or a district or a nation.
- So it depends which one you're talking about.