Henrietta Hay's Column

"The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason...

But I think that the most likely reason at all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small."

As often happens in early December, Dr. Seuss' Grinch and I have a lot in common. The ads and the displays and the music started several months ago, and by now I am inclined to forget the whole thing.

Several years ago, in my grinchiest mood, I created an Annual Awful Taste in Toys Award. The first year it went to the Jesus Doll at $29.95. The next year it went to "Mommy is having a baby." The little girl (of course it is a little girl) could open up mommy's tummy and pull out the baby. I wonder what mommy had to say about that.

I may be drummed out of the grandmothers' union for this, but I do think that over the years the toy that has done the most damage to millions of little girls is Barbie -- she of the unachievable figure and the big hair. She has set an impossible standard of beauty in little girls' minds since 1959. This year the Award is divided between the new CD-ROM which lets little girls create as many as 15,000 outfits for Barbie and the life-size Barbie.

But of course I can't remain a Grinch. There is Tradition. And also, my friends keep telling me to get with it.

Somebody on the Internet did a little math last year and found some amazing facts. Assuming one small toy per kid, the payload on Santa's sleigh would be roughly 321,300 tons, plus Santa who is slightly overweight. Eating 4 million cookies in one night will do that to you. Donder and Blitzen and their co-workers can't do the job, since they are now over 150 years old. It would take 214,200 physically fit reindeer

These figures are based on the premise that there is only one Santa Claus. A thousand Santas (1 kilosanta) or a million Santas (a megasanta) working in parallel could make it work. Santa is not dead. He is distributed.

So -- although I don't have any small children in my immediate family, I feel compelled to help Santa a little. There are some great toys this year, somewhat more sophisticated than the Lincoln Logs I looked forward to.

In contrast to Barbie, the cabbage patch kids resemble more closely the way most of us look eventually. The same funny mashed faces are back in a somewhat smaller version and the kids still love them. For the record, the 1978 originals now bring up to $25,000 from collectors.

Super Mario is still with us, now upgraded on a 3-D game machine called Nintendo 64. Mario, the little plumber, has lasted despite the fact that he does not carry a gun, has never killed an enemy, probably doesn't have any enemies. He just runs and leaps over stuff and has a good time. I dug my Nintendo Game Boy out when I heard about the new Mario. I have lost a bit of speed, but like any three year old, I can still get him through the first level.

I was sad when my kids outgrew legos. I thought I had too, but this year I almost asked Santa for a new construction set called K'NEXosaurus with what looks like a million pieces. It requires much more skill than legos, so they say and can be used to make three different movable prehistoric critters, or you can create your own theories of evolution.

Neck and neck with Nintendo 64 in the toy frenzy is Tickle Me Elmo. I finally saw a demonstration of Elmo on TV. It is hard to believe that some people are willing to pay thousands of dollars for a stuffed toy that looks like a cross between Barney and the Cookie Monster, even if it does giggle. You can get the same result for less money by borrowing the nearest two year old.

The toys did it. I finally found Christmas. So did the Grinch.

"...he hadn't stopped Christmas from coming!

It came!

Somehow or other, it came just the same..."

Merry Christmas -- Happy Holidays.