Henrietta Hay's Column

Recently I had occasion to watch more daytime television in a week than I normally watch in a year. And you would never believe some of the things I learned.

I don't want to give any wrong impressions. I watch a fair amount of TV, mostly in the evening. I call Murphy Brown by her first name, and have been on friendly terms with Rosie O'Neal since she was Chris Cagney. I salute Major Dad and have been a not-so-secret admirer of Sam Malone for years. I am nearly ready to try my first case after L. A. Law, Law and Order and Ben Matlock. Fortunately for my friends, this is not the year for medical shows.

But the daytime talk shows are a whole world in themselves. I don't want to push Dr. Ruth aside, but in just a week I have become an expert on sex. All that I can say in my defense is that I got tired of playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Game Boy, and it was too much effort to hold a book.

Since this is a family newspaper I won't go into too much detail, but there are some amazing people out there and they love to talk about themselves. I first started listening to Sally Jessy Raphael years ago when she was on late night radio and knew the answer to every question ever asked. And I must confess that she is still my favorite now that she has graduated to TV talk show hostess. Phil Donahue is the white-haired senior citizen of the genre, and was once a wonderful interviewer. But now he talks more than he listens, which come to think it may not be such a bad idea. And the first time I ever heard of Geraldo was when he got his nose broken on his own show.

I like to think that most of us living here in Happy Valley live fairly normal lives. After last week I am sure of it. On one show several women were discussing their bad marriages. The audience was asked to vote on whether or not they should end said marriages. We had men that hate women and women that hate men. We had swingers. One day we had mothers and daughters dating the same guy. Not that those things don't happen here, but the people don't talk about them quite so publicly.

One morning before I had had my coffee I turned on the set and there were four beautiful young women in evening gowns. When one of them spoke in a bass voice I headed quickly for the coffeepot. But it turned out that they had all been winners in the "Miss Gay America" pageant and all were gay men in the entertainment business.

I missed this one, but I heard a report that Joan Rivers turned white through her make-up one day when her guests turned up in leather and chains.

When you multiply the number of talk shows now on the air by five days a week, and then by five again since there are usually five people on each show, there is a huge demand for interesting people to talk. So the quality goes down a bit by necessity. But you also learn some interesting things. One day I saw Ralph Nader's mother being interviewed. Ralph was sitting there too, but he was not allowed to say much - a rather remarkable fact in itself. Mrs. Nader was obviously a very strong woman with strong opinions, which she expressed in clear but broken English. She refused to tell her age, she but did admit that her husband is 98. She demonstrated a Lebanese vegetable dish, which her son ate dutifully but without enthusiasm. I had a mental picture of a small Ralph in short pants eating the same dish with the same expression.

One thing I enjoy on the talk shows is a glimpse of the real person behind some of the TV images. Dixie Carter showed up one day. As Julia Sugarbaker she is a role model for liberal feminists, and I love to listen to her. In person she was very bland, seemed to have no opinions on anything and was a big disappointment to me. On the other hand, L. A. Law's Rosalind Shays turned up on the same show and she was great. Her character is so villainous that it is hard to realize that she is the feminist fighter in real life. Of course, she spent several weeks on the Starship Enterprise and that may have given her a look into the future.

All in all, if you need to spend a few days in a state of relative inactivity, you can have great fun with the talk shows. You simply won't believe the stuff you hear. The trouble is, you won't be able to discuss it in polite company.