Henrietta Hay's Column

Back in the days of my youth, my parents and I would sit over the dinner table and laugh at the strange antics of people that we read about in the Denver Post. I don't remember the details, but I am sure there couldn't have been any as ridiculous as the lady and the coffee.

There are lots of ways to earn money, most of which require work. But this fall I found out about a pretty easy way to pick up $2.9 mil. I will drive down to McDonald's and buy a cup of coffee to go. Then I will hold it on my lap while I buzz North Avenue. If it should happen to slosh over a little and burn me, I can sue McDonald's.

Now I would not have been smart enough to think up something like that by myself. In my wildest dreams I would not do anything so stupid as to put a cardboard container of hot coffee on my lap, even in my own living room. But in a moving car?

At first I thought the woman in Albuquerque who did that was pretty dumb. Not so. She sued McDonald's and got a judgment of $2.9 because the coffee was too hot and burned her. She wants the temperature of the coffee lowered so that she can ride around with it in her lap.

And then there is our would-be Santa Claus. I can't imagine anyone in the 1920's getting stuck in a chimney. In terms of stupidity he is in the same class with the coffee drinker, but she got paid and he got escorted to jail. Right here in River City we had a man who chose a highly unorthodox entrance into a pawnshop. I'll bet he won't try going down a chimney again, having spent some 36 cold hours covered with soot, rigidly held in place by bricks. If he really thought he was Santa, he needs to head for the North Pole for some lessons. Incidentally, how does the jolly old guy in the red suit get up and down those chimneys?

Another pretty silly story tells of the town of Independence, Kansas which was dive-bombed recently. It seems that a citizen of the town got drunk one night and bragged that he could hit Main Street from a plane with a roll of toilet paper. He rented a single engine Piper, bought a four pack of toilet paper and swooped over town dropping his bombs. The story did not say whether or he hit Main Street or the Methodist Church, but he was arrested for flying under the influence and littering.

The Copenhagen Zoo lost an okapi to Tannhauser. Singers with the Royal Theater were practicing the opera in the park, not far from the zoo. When the music started Katanda, a rare African mammal related to the giraffe, started to hyperventilate, went into shock and collapsed from stress. Tannhauser has been known to make people hyperventilate, but a giraffe?

The story of Matthew Dulles deBara is as old as time with a '90's twist. Matthew arrived unexpectedly on a 747 somewhere between New York and Washington. An internist who had not delivered a baby since 1981, and two paramedics answered the stewardess's call for help, and the passengers held their collective breaths.

The baby was not breathing when he arrived and one paramedic frantically hunted for something to use to suction his nostrils. Finally she found a juice packet a stewardess had brought aboard and confiscated the tiny straw. After about two minutes Matthew let out a cry and the entire plane erupted in cheers and applause.

Meanwhile the other paramedic was crawling down the aisle on her hands and knees looking at shoes. All she could find were pumps and dirty sneakers until she spotted a pair of clean oxfords, and startled the man wearing them by asking him for his shoelace. The doctor used it to tie the cord. Mother and son are doing well but father hasn't quite recovered.

Before the plane made an emergency landing at Dulles, the drinks were free for everyone on board.

Maybe human nature hasn't changed that much after all. Certainly babies are still arriving exactly when and where they want to, and we are still laughing at the antics of people.