Henrietta Hay's Column

Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time. That is not the name of a TV show, but a CD computer program my grandson got for Christmas. As a longtime fan of Monty's, I was interested until Bob told me that the first thing he did with it was add a laugh track to his computer. My e-mail response I will not repeat here.

If the various experimenters whose work culminated in the modern television set could have foreseen laugh tracks, they might have burned their notes.

I have to confess to being a TV fan, although I like to think I am discriminating. For example I don't watch Barney or MTV. But I have a couple of gripes, and number one is laugh tracks. I've never liked being patronized and that is what the stupid laugh track does to all of us. It assumes that we are idiots and must be helped along if we are to understand. We must be told when to laugh, generally every five seconds.

I am fairly sure that there are some good sitcoms out there, but I wouldn't know. The only way I can find out is to turn the sound off and just watch the action, but you lose something that way. One alternative is the C-span reporting of the House of Representatives, which is comedy without the laugh track.

I have a problem with football broadcasts, too. Probably many fans spend the entire three-hour period of a game with their eyes glued to the screen. But some of us do other things during the game and check in now and then. We would really like to know the score, but we have to sit and watch until somebody makes a touchdown so they will flash the score on the screen. Fox broadcasting has solved it by keeping a running score in the corner of the screen, but the other networks have not caught on.

Another gripe is motor-mouth sportscasters. They must have gone to the same school as the laugh tracks. If a pass goes out of bounds, they tell us that the pass went out of bounds. If Joe Doaks catches it, they tell us that Joe caught it and then give us his life history. And they are so busy talking that we often miss the start of the next play.

I wonder how Kathy Lee Gifford stands having Frank around the kitchen. When the toast pops up he probably jumps up and down and announces, "The toast just popped up."

Today I'm going to draw a veil over the daytime talk shows. Maybe I can talk about them sometime when I'm stronger.

Today I'm going to Another gripe is the constant threat of censorship. Certain words must be used with care. When Newtie's (her pet name, not mine) mother said that he called the First Lady a bitch, people said the media should not allow that word on the air. Nobody seemed to object to the fact that mama said it.

Today I'm going to The censors are after NYPD Blue because of "rear end nudity." I wonder whether they were watching the post-game locker room show after the Fiesta Bowl. There was a quick rear view of a bare football player headed for the showers, but maybe the censors were tuned in to NYPD Blue.

Today I'm going to There is a lot of good television out there, though. Since I have to skip the sitcoms I watch a lot of drama. I suspect we are all wondering whether Joel will end up being eaten by a bear in Northern Exposure. Picket Fences tackles social problems with skill, sensitivity and humor. My So Called Life contains enough teen-age angst to scare any parent, but it is, so they tell me, remarkably true.

Today I'm going to One of the brightest spots in the television picture is the Public Broadcasting System, but it is facing a major threat. Newtie has announced his intention to eliminate federal funding for the it. I wonder whether it is politically wise to threaten Big Bird with the axe. Watch this space for developments.

Today I'm going to If we could just get rid of the laugh track, I think television might be here to stay.