Henrietta Hay's Column

"Hey there, gimme another cup of coffee."

At Katz's that is probably the only way to get it. That famous delicatessen in lower Manhattan has built its reputation on the rudeness of its waiters, who vie for the title of most insulting. Son Dave, my New York tour guide introduced me to it some years ago. The natives go there for the food and give as good as they get in the rudeness department. Tourists tend to be awestruck. Dave tells me that that famous scene from "When Harry met Sally" was filmed there. Naturally. Where else?

Elsewhere, however, rudeness is not acceptable in the food serving profession. Here in Happy Valley I could probably yell for coffee without fear of getting it poured over my head, which is what I would deserve. Waiters and waitresses are trained to be courteous, or at least non-violent, no matter what the provocation.

Eating out has become a way of life for a lot of people who lead busy, hectic lives. It wonderful for cooking impaired people like me. And whether it is a fine restaurant or a fast food spot with a drive-in, it is the people who serve the food that make the meal either pleasant or gruesome. The food needs to be good, of course, but the best steak in town served by a grumpy or rude waiter makes you wish you had stayed at home.

According to the Nation's Restaurant News, "... Professional waiters and waitresses . . .deserve as much legitimacy and respect as someone on Wall Street or in the corporate world." Agreed. Most of the ones I have talked to consider it to be a solid, satisfying career. They like it and they are good at it and they take pride in it.

For today only, to avoid the P. C. police, let's use "waitress" for both the men and women who serve food. This is a two-sex occupation.

There may be few jobs in the world that require a wider range of talents than this one, but I'm not sure what they are. A professional waitress needs to be able to withstand high pressure and have a phenomenal memory, all the while continuing to be a psychologist, an actress, a social worker, a diplomat, a linguist. She must be able to dance between tables, purses on the floor and sociable patrons and arrive composed without spilling a drop.

She must be a public relations expert when there is any delay in service, and a dietitian when people need help selecting low fat items. It helps to be a sports fan in order to converse with the men who come in for coffee at 7:00 a.m. to talk about last night's game.

It doesn't hurt to be an acrobat, like one waitress in town who can stand on a chair, tip the coffee pot back over her shoulder and pour into the cup on the floor without spilling a drop.

And the waitress needs to be in top physical condition. If she walks about five miles a day, which many do, takes two weeks vacation a year and doesn't take time off to have a baby, in 25 years she will have walked over 30,000 miles, or once around the world with a start on the second time.

A loaded tray of food can weigh up to 25 pounds and takes real strength to lug around. I should know. Now that I am working out, I huff and puff swinging three pounds. These people could give lessons in fitness. The waitresses and waiter where I often have breakfast tell me that they have all been there so long they are like an extended family. They watch each other's children grow up and worry when someone is ill. And they have a cup of hot coffee waiting for me when I sit down. That's service! A waitress friend of mine tells of the kind of experience that makes the job fun. One day a young woman planned a special surprise lunch for her husband. He was surprised, all right. When he sat down he found pink and blue candy cigars on his plate. Everybody cheered.

I'm glad we do not have a Katz's deli here in town. May I have another cup of coffee -- please?