Henrietta Hay's Column

Miss Manners says there are two guidelines that have served her well through the vicissitudes of life, "1. Don't. 2. Be sure not to forget to." Maybe that's all we need to know about etiquette.

Miss Manners, otherwise known as Judith Martin, has succeeded Emily Post as the ultimate authority on etiquette. She is a lot more fun to read than Emily ever was, or else my sense of humor has gotten a lot more irreverent.

A friend and I had quite a discussion recently on the subject of thank you notes. She said that you give a gift freely without any strings. I argued that a gift is a personal communication, which deserves a response in some form (e-mail or a phone call will do). I thought it was a simple disagreement, only to find that the subject of manners is about as controversial as politics.

I grew up in the early part of the century and my mother was pretty tough on observing proper etiquette. In adult company I spoke when spoken to, called my parents' friends Mr. or Mrs., said please and thank you at the proper times, and wore a hat and white gloves when forced. Those who know me now may have some trouble with that image, but it did make communicating with my elders fairly easy and it obviously did not scar me for life.

The first piece I ever wrote for this newspaper was about a 75th birthday party I helped give for a friend. Afterward we were sitting around with our shoes off and noticed that the table contained a beautiful centerpiece, an heirloom sterling silver coffee service -- and paper plates. We suddenly realized that we were all daughters of Victorian mothers who would be horrified if they saw those paper plates.

We are living in a different world now. Personally, I like this one a lot better. The rules are more relaxed and generally more honest. We are more interested in the people than the form.

The word etiquette has become pretty well outdated, but civility and basic good manners are here to stay if we are to remain a civilized society. James Russell Lowell commented, "I have always been of the mind that in a democracy manners are the only effective weapons against the bowie knife." My friend the philosopher notes the classic example of the four-way stop at a busy corner. Whether we stop because we have good manners, or whether we stop to keep from being killed is a moot point. It works.

Of course the rules are changing. One major change is the growth of politically correct language. Sometimes it goes too far, but as Miss Manners says in her understated style, "It is no longer socially acceptable to make bigoted statements and racist remarks." High time!

The women's movement has brought a major change in manners. It is no longer acceptable, and is usually illegal, for a man to call a woman "honey" at work. The old, "I didn't know she would be offended," doesn't work any more, as Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood found that out the hard way.

Those of us who wish to be called Ms. are now accepted in polite society -- usually. The women who prefer to be called Miss or Mrs. should be addressed that way, but Ms. is now quite respectable. Even Miss Manners approves. Some chauvinist complained that you couldn't pronounce it because it has no vowels. How do you pronounce Mrs.?

Then there is the question of doors. Most women like to have men open doors for them, but prefer not to freeze their feet waiting. Courtesy, however, is a two-way proposition. If the woman gets there first and opens the door herself, it is bad manners to shut it in his face.

I never convinced my friend, but according to Miss Manners there are some rules that are not subject to fashion. "Gratitude, for example, is not a trend that went out with the bustle.

I have a suggestion for her next book. One good way to get a fast "thank you" out of a grandchild is to send a check and not sign it.