Henrietta Hay's Column

News stories the past month have been a bit more weird than usual. I'm not sure whether the coming of the new millennium is affecting our brain cells, or whether it is just a touch of late spring.

Certainly the prize story here in Happy Valley is the obviously sincere worry on the part of Commissioner Jim Baughman that we are in some potential danger from the Chinese, or perhaps the Libyans, or somebody. The issue was whether or not the county should hire the U. S. Forest Service to take aerial photographs of all Mesa County this summer, rather than just photographing the Grand Mesa. It seemed so logical to most of us. I assume that one set of the photographs will be filed in some government vault somewhere, available to anyone, friend or enemy. It does not seem likely, however, that anyone from abroad is waiting with bated breath to see them.

All is not drudgery in the Forest Service. Rugged or not so rugged outdoors people give them a bit of fun now and then. A list of comments left on registration forms and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness trips came down the Internet last week. "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked," said one. "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill," was another. "Need more signs to keep area pristine," wrote one confused hiker. And -- of course -- "A McDonalds's would be nice at the trailhead."

And then there is the Colorado National Monument. It has taken several million years of geological activity to create this wonderland of ours. Automobiles are a fairly new addition to the mix. Personally I have no intention of hiking over the Monument or riding a bicycle over it, although once upon a time I really did hike down past the base of the monument. I do, however, think both those means of locomotion are less damaging to the ecosystem than my car is. I would be quite happy to give up my right to drive over it one day a year in order to allow a bunch of marathon runners to wear themselves out racing over it and enjoying the scenery. Somehow I doubt that too many tourists would be traveling from Wahoo Nebraska to the Colorado National Monument simply to drive over it on that one day in November. Lighten up, Park Service.

Athletes insure their arms or legs or whatever appendage is most valuable to the team. Rosie O'Donnell has done the same thing. She had her lips insured. When Scope mouthwash named her one of the "least kissable" people in the country, the people at its rival Listerine knew a great advertising opportunity when they saw one. They came back with an offer of $1000 each time Rosie kissed someone on the show, the money to go to "For All Kids," an O'Donnell fund for disadvantaged children, So far Listerine is out something over $400,000 in charity donations and Rosie is still kissing all her guests. She has even invited complete casts of Broadway plays to stop by for a buss. And Mutual of Omaha has insured her against, "temporary loss of lip and limb."

I try to keep a wary eye out for teen fads. I like to know ahead of time whether to gasp in horror or to say, "cool," when I see a new one. The latest fad in California -- where else? -- Are pagers for teens? I suppose pagers aren't much more expensive than the air shoes the kids feel compelled to wear, but they do smack of conspicuous consumption. There are over 42 million beepers carried in the United States and about a fourth are worn by kids between 12 and 24. According to a San Francisco Examiner story, "Hipper than backward baseball caps, pierced belly buttons, baggy clothes or Sony Walkmans, pagers are the newest status symbol for teens . . . a hi-tech way to pass notes using numbers."

This year is the 100th birthday of Jell-O, in case you are interested. Time magazine reports that an electroencephalogram shows that a human brain and a bowl of quivering lime Jell-O have the same waves. Maybe that explains the weird stories.