Henrietta Hay's Column

The word etiquette in today's society tends to make us snicker a little. But basic rules of behavior have been with us always. After all, Eve shared the apple with Adam.

Miss Manners, the modern etiquette maven, says "Etiquette enables you to resolve conflict without just trading insults. Without it, the irritations in modern life are so abrasive that you see people turning to the law to regulate everyday behavior. This frightens me; it's a major inroad on our basic freedoms."

I grew up in the early part of the century when Emily Post was the ultimate authority and the rules were pretty strict. My mother was tough on proper etiquette. I sat up straight at the dinner table and cleaned my plate, said please and thank you whether I meant it or not, and wore a hat and white gloves when coerced. To this day I can't bring myself to wear white shoes after Labor Day.

But we are living in a different, much more complex world today, and we are trying to learn how to adapt to it with civility. The formality is long gone and I for one am very happy about it, but basic good manners are here to stay if we are to remain a civilized society. James Russell Lowell commented, "I have always been of the mind that in a democracy manners are the only effective weapons against the bowie knife."

Of course the rules have changed. Language has changed. Bigoted statements and racist jokes are not allowed. Sexual harassment in the workplace is no longer acceptable. The rules about clothing have become pretty flexible. Women can wear pants and don't wear hats, while men have gotten rid of vests and usually leave their jackets at home.

One place where the rules of civility have not changed is the United States Senate. Nothing is too offensive, so long as it is preceded by, "The esteemed Senator from somewhere," as Jesse Helms demonstrated last week.

Today there is one whole new area of interrelationships that Emily Post could never have imagined. The Internet is a huge amorphous collection of words out in space. Millions of people are sitting at millions of computers writing to other people or reading what other people have written. And there are no firm rules of Netiquette.

The Internet is a marvelous new tool for communication and research. But for all the tremendously valuable material available on the Net, there are no controls. In face-to-face communication, there is a filter, which we sometimes call manners between stimulus and speech. Sometimes the filter doesn't work, but it is there on most of us. On the Internet people can skip the filter and go straight to speech, assured that nobody knows who they are. Face to face, courtesy kicks in. In anonymity, rudeness reigns.

This is a matter of wide concern. Major battles are looming as those who believe in free speech bump into those who believe in censorship of the Internet.

One approach is that of the University of Toronto, which has set up a Courtesy Project to conduct an investigation into the behavioral norms of the Internet community. They chose the name, in their words, "to reflect the belief that what is needed on the Internet is an understanding and respect for the various rules of behavior which can be summed under the term courtesy. "

Plain old common courtesy and respect for others: it keeps society from flying apart. My friend the philosopher notes the classic example of a four-way stop at a busy corner. Whether we stop because we have good manners or whether we stop to keep from being killed is a moot point.

The rude driver who gives you the finger if he doesn't like your driving, and the Internet user who "flames" you haven't read Miss Manners. She thinks that being rude just because nobody recognizes you is a no no. The basic rules of civilized behavior are still with us, and most of us observe them, including the young stranger who waited the other day to hold a heavy door open for this little old lady.