Copyright © 1999 Henrietta W. Hay
On the Lighter Side
August 13, 1999
The last few weeks have been so full of tragedies and sad stories that a
little news on the lighter side may be a good idea.
Perhaps the funniest story comes from Colorado Springs (where else?).
In the words of a male friend of mine, "in a month when a woman became
CEO of a major Fortune 500 company and another woman commanded a space
shuttle flight, Focus on the Family's James Dobson says that if a couple
disagree on an issue, 'the final decision must go to the man.'" We'll
just have to hope that Carly Fiorina, CEO of Hewlett-Packard, and Lt.
Col. Eileen Collins, commander of Columbia and their husbands do not
destroy their careers by laughing themselves to death when they see
There was a blotter item in the Sentinel last winter that fascinated
me. It read, "A man reported to Mesa County Deputy Sheriff's office
Tuesday that a knife was taken from his son's pants while they (not sure
what the 'they' refers to) were at a wedding Monday. He told officers
the pants were on a table during the wedding when the theft occurred."
I'm having a lot of trouble trying to picture that wedding.
If you don't like people who talk on cell phones while driving their
cars in traffic, best stay away from San Francisco. A motorist was
spotted tooling down Interstate 880 while eating corn on the cob. Poor
guy. Probably skipped breakfast.
I don't spend a lot of time reading the miscellanea that comes over the
Internet, but sometimes it really gets interesting. For instance, did
you know that Winston Churchill was born in the ladies' room at a
dance? Strong, happy genes in that family.
Parents' nerves tend to tatter and they lose sleep when their kids reach
the magic age of 16 and start to drive. One mother in Parker eased her
nerves and protected the community by putting a big sign on the side of
her son's car. It reads, "How's my driving? Please report any
violations to my mom --841 0378." Before the signs went up the kid had
two speeding tickets and one minor accident. Since, there has been only
one call -- the one strike before he loses the car.
Then there is the story out of Estes Park about the drunken elk. A
local brewery dumps waste grain into a trailer behind the pub, and elk
stand in line to eat it. Waste barley does not contain alcohol, but the
elk don't know it. The brewer is marketing a brew called "Staggering
Elk Organic Lager" with a label picturing several elk holding beers,
dancing and singing, "Born to be Wild." The problem is that the large
number of elk mooching the alcohol-free grain is causing a traffic
hazard in Estes Park. That's what happens when you try to mix modern
industry with Mother Nature.
Mixing nature with art seems to work better. Seattle's Cantabile Choir
took to the sea and gave a concert for the whales around the San Juan
Islands. With an underwater speaker system, the choir sang, among other
songs, "When the Saints Go Marching In" and "Amazing Grace". Quoting
the Post, "Let the record show that in the intended audience there was
no clapping of hands and no standing ovations. But let it also show
that the killer whales showed up, nearly surrounding the boat at times.
I don't like to risk losing readers, but in memory of longtime librarian
and master punster, George Van Camp, I'll take a chance. This came
over the Internet. A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime
and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks
away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind
such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had
no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
KPRN reported one morning on a new use for Viagra. Honest! I heard it
on National Public Radio. A few grains in the water will make cut
flowers stand up straight for nine days.
Here's a jump on Y2K. If the ancient Romans had had computers, Y2K
would have been a relief. According to purists, 1999 would have been
written as MDCCCCLXXXXVIIII. The year 2000 is MM.
Maybe I'd best go back to politics!