Henrietta Hay's Column

I hate raisins. They are slippery little black suckers that look like flies. When they get hard they can be used as marbles or as ammunition in BB guns. Personally I don't like to eat them and I am convinced that they are dangerous to the human body. Therefore, I don't think anyone else should be allowed to eat them and I am starting a campaign to make it illegal to sell or eat raisins. I call it Operation Raisin.

I feel that I have strong moral grounds for this position. Grapes are natural fruit. They are fat and juicy and taste wonderful. They are purple or golden or red. But I think it is against the scheme of things to dry them out and shrink them and put them into little green boxes. It's not natural and therefore should be made illegal.

I could, of course, just avoid them myself, but that would be selfish. I want to protect everyone from the danger of eating them. Only by prohibiting them completely can we be sure they will not be slipped into our food without our knowing it.

Of course, I'm running into some trouble. There are those who say that the constitution of the United States gives us the right to eat anything we want, no matter how wrong it may be. They say that we all have the right to control our own bodies and make our own choices.

I think these people mean well, but they are misguided. My personal beliefs are so rooted in natural law that I have a right to impose them on everyone else. Therefore I am advocating a constitutional amendment prohibiting the consumption of raisins.

Prohibition is not new in our country. In 1919 the 18th amendment to the constitution prohibited the selling or consuming of alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, humankind has been consuming alcohol since the beginning of recorded history. A constitutional amendment did not stop it. Instead we entered into the era of bootleg booze. Al Capone got rich and thousands died from alcohol poisoning. Eventually the amendment was repealed.

I am sure that when it has been explained to them, people will see that this amendment is necessary. There are, of course, some who say that an anti-raisin amendment will force raisins to be driven underground. People who really want them will be able to find them and eat them anyway even though illegal raisins may well poison and kill them.

There are various ways to make a political point. The constitutional amendment would be the surest way to get rid of those immoral raisins. But a more immediate technique is picketing. It has been used for years in the labor movement and can be highly effective in getting publicity. It involves having people walk around in front of grocery and convenience stores with signs warning of the danger of eating raisins. As each person enters the store he/she is warned of the immoral action he/she is about to commit and urged to buy grapes instead. If that doesn't work, the pickets can always lie down in front of the door and force the raisin-buyers to step over them.

One year on my birthday a friend made a birthday cake and put my name on it - in raisins. We have laughed about it for years. I thought she did it in fun and out of affection, but now I suspect that it was the beginning of a fiendish plot to convince me that raisins are good for me. In fact, my friends often tease me by feeding me cookies with raisins in them and calling them chocolate chips. I have learned not to be fooled by such efforts but others may not be so lucky.

Therefore in order to protect people from raisins and from themselves my amendment to the constitution is necessary. Operation Raisin will help to pass it. Or will it?