Henrietta Hay's Column

On an especially hot August afternoon with a deadline approaching and no column written, I got to wondering what some famous persons from the past might have written if they were faced by the same situation.

I wonder what Plato would have written if he had had a deadline with the Athens Times. One week he might have written about education. The schools are straying from the method of teaching developed by my beloved teacher, Socrates. Young men need to learn how to make ethical decisions. They must be taught how to think and the best way to teach them is to use the Socratic method of questions and answers. The schools need to pay more attention to this.

Hmm. School critics aren't new.

Confucius might have been disgusted at some of the columns he read, so he wrote his own column containing the rules every writer should take seriously.

"If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; If what is said is not what is meant, than what must be done remains undone. If this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; If justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said."

Abigail Adams might have written something like this. The men are in Philadelphia writing a constitution for our new country. I do hope they will remember the ladies, and have written John urging him to do that. But I fear the worst. He laughed and wrote back, "Depend on it. We know better than to replace our masculine system . . . which would subject us to the despotism of the petticoat." But we will keep trying. I do believe that it is essential that we educate women. I must be sure that my son John Quincy is aware of my feelings about the rights of women, as he shows early signs of being interested in politics.

Sir Isaac Newton might have said written this. I got a headache that day. I was sitting out in the orchard daydreaming under an apple tree when an big old apple fell on my head. I wasn't much of a student, but I did get to wondering why the apple fall on me instead of flying up to the top of the tree.

I decided to quit goofing off and get an education, and some time later I discovered why the apple fell. It was a force called "gravity."

Susan B. Anthony's words would probably have burned the paper. Are women persons? Who would have the hardihood to say we are not Being persons, we are citizens and no State has the right to make any law which shall abridge our privileges. Way to go, Susan.

Henry VIII would probably have written advice on marriage. Marriage is a great institution, the more the better. If your first wife does not produce a son, you can always change wives. Divorce is easiest, but if that fails there are other methods.

Eleanor Roosevelt did write a column, full of information and wisdom. One week she might write one based on her famous words, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." She was as unpopular as any presidential wife who is a thinker and speaks out loud, and she might have ended her column with, "Hey, quit whining and get on with it."

And we must have a column from our president. Washington Post writer Richard Thompson collected actual quotes from George W. Bush and arranged them, for aesthetic purposes, into a poem, "Make the Pie Higher" It was all over the Net during National Poetry Month and here is a portion of it.

"I think we all agree, the past is over...

This is still a dangerous world...

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty And potential mental losses.

Is our children learning?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.

I am a pit bull on the pant leg of opportunity...

Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Make the pie higher. "

Unfortunately none of these writers met their deadlines, which is too bad. They all had something to say.