Henrietta Hay's Column

Librarians talk to librarians. Teachers talk to teachers. Truck drivers talk to truck drivers on their CD's. Computer programmers talk to computers. But columnists sit in little rooms by themselves and don't have anybody to talk to. That's why they have to read all the columns they can find so they can know what other columnists are talking about.

Newspaper columns give a pretty good cross section of what people in general are thinking. I, of course, prefer those with which I agree, but I read the others too.

I especially like those, which are written well, whatever they may say. That explains why I like William F. Buckley so much, although I have probably never agreed with a single paragraph he has written. He is one of the most articulate men in America. I even agreed with Pat Buchanan once, but I can't remember just when. Until he started running for office, he was clever and often funny. What is there about running for office that makes a person lose his/her sense of humor?

Columns, like people, come in all shapes. There are those that are mainly political, the social issues ones, the purely funny ones, and those that are all or none of the above.

Once upon a time I thought Erma Bombeck was a lightweight. For a long time now I have known better. She is highly skilled in the art of putting a chunk of granite inside her homey, funny, apparently innocent columns and she always manages to hit somebody on the head. She is the ultimate mistress of the funny side of the domestic scene. Mike Royko's friend, Slats Grobnik, is a corny character who loves to punch holes in inflated egos without ever implicating his author. Slats and Erma would probably be good friends.

One of my favorites, Ellen Goodman is a political person who tackles politics and social issues. By political person I do not mean an office holder or a candidate, but someone who respects the system but takes pot shots at the people in it. Even the most vitriolic political columnists have a basic respect for what our democratic form of government can and should be. I suspect they are the true political idealists. They're the ones who understand the vision but can't stand what's going on.

For pure ridicule of the pompous and ineffective, nobody can beat Molly Ivins. She is irreverent and acerbic and very, very funny. Molly, who grew up in east Texas, gained fame writing for the Dallas Times Herald, now defunct. Her tales of Texas politics are a joy to read - if you don't live in Texas. Her comment on one Texas congressman was, "If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day." And when she heard that a former governor was learning Spanish she wrote; "Now he'll be bi-ignorant." She is the one who said, "Calling George Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf short." But her classic, I think, followed the Thomas-Hill hearings. I have quoted it before and probably will again. "My fellow Americans, we live in a great nation. Its occasional resemblance to a lunatic asylum is purely coincidental and not the fault of the Author of Us All."

Anna Quindlen, a Boston Irish Catholic Feminist, takes on social problems without fear from anyone. Writing of sexual harassment after the Thomas hearings she said, "Listen to us... You will notice there is no please in that sentence. The gender divide has opened up and swallowed politeness like a great hungry whale."

James J. Kilpatrick, when he isn't railing against the liberals, writes a wonderful column on the misuse of the English language. Carl Hilliard gives us the inside dope on what is going on in the Colorado Legislature. George Will, the intellectual, maintains the conservative line all the way. Ken Hamblin spends his life chin deep in hot water as he irritates both his fellow blacks and many liberals. And my old friend, Dottie Lamm, writes of the special issues involving women and children with great power, insight and compassion.

I talk to all these people all the time. They don't know it, of course. They talk to me all the time. And if my good fairy could wave a wand and say, "Which one of these would you like to meet," it wouldn't be hard to choose. Hey, Molly Ivins, would you like to go to dinner with me? I'll buy."