Henrietta Hay's Column

"Do you ever wonder what Plato wrote for his Saturday column?" Russell Baker wondered that recently, and it got me to imagining what Plato and some others might have written if there had been newspapers and weekly columns in their various time periods.

Lots of Plato's stuff is not suitable for a modern family newspaper column. One week, however, he might have written about one of his favorite subjects, educating the young. He would have complained that the schools were straying from the method of teaching developed by his beloved teacher, Socrates. Young men need to learn to make ethical decisions. They must be taught how to think, and the best way to teach them is to use the Socratic method of questions and answers. The schools really need to pay more attention to this.

Where have I heard these words before?

I wonder what some other people might write if they had a weekly deadline.

George Washington might write about his childhood. He would advise young Americans to be careful when playing around cherry trees and he might suggest that throwing stuff across the Potomac is great for staying in shape. He prefers it to jogging. Then he too might write about education and include some very practical advice. "Promote then, as an object of primary importance institutions for the general diffusion of knowledge. In proportion as the structure of a government gives force to public opinion, it is necessary that public opinion be enlightened."

Eleanor Roosevelt did write a column, full of information and wisdom. Her main interests were in foreign affairs, but she also was interested in what today we might call pop psychology. One week she might write a column based on her famous words, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." She would probably end it with, "Hey, quit whining and get on with it."

I often wonder what Adolf Hitler might have written if he had a column. How much hatred could you squeeze into 700 words?

Winston Churchill's columns would have been ringing, if there is such a thing as a ringing column. He seldom said anything without a flourish. But in one of his calmer moments he too might have written about the value of an education. He would have told about being in the lowest form at Harrow where he gained an advantage over the cleverer boys. "I got into my bones the essential structure of the ordinary British sentence -- which is a noble thing." That's what I told my kids, Learn your grammar if you want to be an orator -- or a stand-up comic.

Christopher Columbus would have had to write his column at sea. The handwriting might be a little shaky. He could tell about Queen Isabella and what he thought about her, which probably wasn't much. He would have had some complaints about the ships she provided. And the crew! " Hey guys, don't mutiny yet. I see something that looks land over there. We're not going to fall off the edge of the world after all. Let's land and call it Columbia."

Have you noticed how few women made the history books over the centuries? Let's add Susan B. Anthony. Her column, like Churchill's would have been ringing. She would say, "Are women persons? Who would have the hardihood to say we are not? Being persons, we are citizens and no State has the right to make any law which shall abridge our privileges or immunities." Atta girl, Susan.

My old friend Ogden Nash would have written his in verse. He might have included in his column, "I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Indeed, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all." And the next week he would have said, "Here lies my past. Good-bye I have kissed it; Thank you, kids, I wouldn't have missed it."

Unfortunately none of these columns has survived. In fact, they never got written, which is too bad. I'm sure the authors could have written them better than I did. But it is fun to wonder what they would have said.