Santa's Tools

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.

It is amazing what you can find on Google. In any case, Santa is coming to town.

This year I think Santa could move to the Western Slope and feel right at home. There is more snow than I have seen for many years, and as I look out my window, more is falling. Of course, Santa couldn't see Russia from here.

If you are under 15, you keep trying to hurry the arrival of Christmas, which seems to take at least ten years to get here.

If you are over 80 you are probably thinking that Christmas was just last week. Since I am in the latter class, I am almost sure that I sent a Christmas cards just a month ago.

But here at the Commons we do know it is the Christmas season. Decorations are everywhere and we have had one party already.

The legend of Santa Claus can be traced back hundreds of years to a monk named St. Nicholas. It is believed that Nicholas was born sometime around 280 A.D. in Patara, near Myra in modern-day Turkey.

Since that time he has circled the world every year (you figure how many) and we all wonder how he does it. It has been a monumental task for Santa Claus

But modern science has solved the problem.

Author Gregory Mone explains the mystery in his book, "The Truth About Santa: Wormholes, Robots and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve." Elaborate systems make it all possible.

How can Santa go around the world and make deliveries to billions of kids in one night? It's simple really, if you understand quantum physics. He makes use of wormholes to transcend the limitations of the space-time continuum. Time can be made to fold back on itself and Santa can transport himself from one location to faster than the speed of light. I don't understand it either, but Santa does.

Santa's Red Suit is made of metamaterials that can withstand the stresses of such travel. It also has properties that make light bend around it which confers invisibility on Santa just in case some little children are staying up late to spy on him.

His glasses may look quaint but they are actually much more sophisticated than Superman's X-ray vision. They give him all kinds of information about the children for whom he is leaving presents. And he can see through wrapped packages under the tree so that he doesn't leave something the child has received from someone else.

There are many other advanced tools at Santa's disposal and they all contribute to the "magic" of Christmas. He is a crafty old soul and he stops at nothing to bring the world a little much needed joy.

What about those wonderful little elves? Keeping them on the payroll all year would be much too expensive, so Santa outsources the toy manufacturing.

Does this all sound like magic? Arthur C. Clark says that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Finally, I have some suggestions for Santa Claus. These are suggestions for gifts.

President Obama: A Health Care bill on his desk ready for his signature.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: Help with Chelsea's wedding.
Senator Joe Lieberman: a muzzle
Vice President Joe Biden: Train ticket to Virginia to see family.
Former Vice President Cheney: a lump of coal in his sock.
Bernie Buescher: -Spend a little more time in Grand Junction.
Grand Junction: Several new snow plows for global warming.

And to all of you, a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Mercury the Wonder Cat and me.