Henrietta Hay's Column

Well, it's nearly over. The fat lady will sing at 7:00 when the polls close. Meanwhile I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying. Will Rogers said that, "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

Everybody wants to run the government, everybody wants to have a say, but when it comes right down to it, only the politicians are willing/anxious/pleading/paying (or all of the above) to accept the job of actually doing it. So we blame them for everything from the weather to letting an airplane crash into the White House. This year people are angry and frustrated and are taking it out on everybody in sight. The campaigns nationwide have been especially vicious. Locally, the candidate campaigns have been fairly civilized. The only lies have been about the amendments.

OK, so the system isn't perfect and the politicians aren't perfect and the peepul aren't perfect, but how are you going to keep 255 million Americans from killing each other without some form of government? And so far this one works better than any of the others anybody has come up with.

Politics is not an American invention. It does not involve simply Republicans and Democrats, although you never could have convinced my mother of that. She was fairly sure that In the Beginning There was the Republican Party. Fortunately, I outgrew my upbringing -- but I never had the nerve to tell her.

"Man is by nature a political animal," wrote Aristotle. Harry Truman, a very practical man and one of few words said, "A politician is a man who understands government, and it takes a politician to run a government. " John Kenneth Galbraith added, "Politics consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." Like'em or leave'em, politics and politicians are here to stay.

Fortunately, there's always a lighter side to an American election. This year's campaign has had its usual share of entertainment. There are some people who like the movies. Some people are big TV fans. Me, I like politics. I never managed to say it as well as my buddy Molly Ivins, though. (She's not really my buddy, but I wish she were.) "I believe politics is the finest form of entertainment in the state of Texas: better than the zoo, better than the circus, rougher than football, and even more aesthetically satisfying than baseball. Becoming a fan of this arcane art form will yield a body endless joy -- besides, they make you pay for it whether you pay attention or not."

The college generation has been researching political wisdom from the past. Maybe we should listen to them. Remember, these kids are the hope of the future. Whatever woman will be elected President of the United States in 2024 is in college somewhere today. I received a list of "quotables" from a friend out west at Whitman College. It has been going the rounds of colleges by way of Internet.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true it is." -- Dan Quayle.

"This is a great day for France."-- Richard Nixon attending Charles DeGaulle's funeral.

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."--Frank Licht campaigning for McGovern in 1972.

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."--Ronald Reagan.

"Things have never been more like the way they are today in history." Dwight Eisenhower.

I added a couple that the kids haven't found yet.

"George Bush is Gerald Ford without the pizzazz." Pat Paulson, presidential candidate.

"Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."-- Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy.

"Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say much."-- Will Rogers.

After all the campaigning I am as slaphappy as the rest of you. I'm glad it's over and hope we all survive the results. See you in 1996.